Love is so Complicated
by HedwigandHermes7
Summary: James and Lily have to go down a complicated road to find each other at the end. When they get there though, it's worth it. ABANDONED
1. The kiss

Lily sat in the corner of the empty common room. Seventh year had been tough for her. She was getting good grades and had amazing friends; anyone would think she would be happy. However, underneath the surface, there were other things going on; like the fact that everyone called her a mudblood, or a bookworm, or a geek. And then there was Potter. It was horrible to consistently be the one tortured by his cruel jokes. Just that day he had set one of her favorite books on fire in front of the whole school. But besides that, she couldn't help but thinking how cute his smile was or how genuinely sorry he seemed when he saw Lily run, crying, into the girl's lavatories. Just thinking of it made it even more humiliating, and she felt tears well up in her brilliant green eyes. She didn't even notice the soft arguing voices coming down from the boys' dormitories.

"Prongs, you're being stupid." Said a voice apparently coming from nowhere.

"Padfoot you've got to admit, it was pretty harsh." Said another equally invisible voice.

"Harsh? Come on prongsie; don't soften up on me now. This is Lily Evans we're talking about! You're the one who came up with the idea, so don't get mad at me!" At the mention of her name Lily looked up, and stopped sobbing.

She knew that voice. That was the voice of Sirius Black and the other's Potter's.

"Potter?"

"Oh crap." James said softly.

"I thought you said the common room was empty!" Snapped Sirius.

"Well, I must have overlooked Lily." James said, a note of guilt in his voice.

"I didn't think that was possible James." Lily heard Sirius say before she finally went over.

"What the…" She mumbled.

She was confused. And for a good reason, for where the voices were coming from there was nothing but air. She reached out, and to her surprise, she felt something cool and soft. Lily pulled it. A silvery cloak fell into her hands, and in what she had thought was thin air, she saw two boys. Sirius Black and James Potter.

"You have an invisibility cloak?" She asked exasperatedly.

"Yup." Sirius said, obviously bored.

"So this is how you always play tricks without getting in trouble" she said softly.

"Uh-huh. Listen Lily, we were sort of going somewhere so if you could continue the rant about responsibility and respect later we'd appreciate it." James said, also bored at this point.

"But where could you two possibly be going at this time of night?" Lily asked tiredly.

"We were going to the hospital wing to check on Remus." Sirius answered quickly.

"Why is Remus in the hospital wing?" Now she was suspicious, they never really cared if any of the others got sick.

"He…um…got in a fight…with a wild…dog!" James yelled excitedly, as if getting a question right for the first time.

"Yes fine then. Go on. But be back soon alright?" Lily was so confused.

'_How could I possibly think that Potter was cute?'_ She asked herself as she walked up the stairs to her dorm. She did hear James say he thought it was harsh, though she admittedly also heard Sirius say that it was his idea.

"Boys are so complicated!" she said to herself as she flung onto her soft, cushion-y bed.

"Boy troubles Lils?" asked Amber from the other side of the room.

Amber was part of their little trio. The trio consisted of her, Alexis Niles, And Amber Blue. Amber, who was a gossip at heart, always asked Lily this whenever she even attempted to say the word boy.

"Boy troubles so complex, even you wouldn't be able to figure it out Amber." Lily said as she lay down with her eyes closed.

"I'm going down to the common room 'kay Amber?"

"Whatever Lils"

...:: ------::...

"Lily?" asked a voice coming from somewhere next to her.

"Mmmmmm." She said, annoyed.

"Lily, you're going to be late for breakfast. It's already 7:15."

"Go 'way, sleeping." Lily said impatiently.

All the sudden out of nowhere she felt a soft pressure on her lips. Immediately Lily jolted up out of her comfortable position.

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER!!!" She screeched.

"Yes Lily?" James said innocently.

"You…I…we…but… You'll pay Potter." Lily noticed for the first time that they were definitely _not_ in the girls' dorms; they were in the common room.

Lily had fallen asleep the night before, writing in her diary. She looked around and saw that most of the spectators were gone but one Sirius Black remained. He seemed quite interested in the spiral-bound notebook that was sitting in his lap. Sirius was staring at it with such fascination that Lily was surprised his eyes didn't pop out.

"What on earth is so interesting in that book, Black?" Sirius looked up and blushed almost immediately.

"The more important question here is what on earth are you wearing Evans?" Lily looked down and saw that she was wearing polka-dotted underpants and a camisole tank top.

"I uh… Never you mind, what are you reading?" She was getting impatient now.

"A book." Sirius said honestly.

"Very good Sirius." Remus said coming in through the portrait hole.

As soon as he saw Lily he blushed a crimson red and sat down.

"Hi Lily," Remus said to the floor.

"I have to go." Sirius said as he shot up from the couch he was sitting on.

"I'll come!" shouted Remus, running after him, apparently wanting to get out of the presence of a girl in underwear.

"My god." Lily mumbled walking off to go get changed trying to grasp the fact that James Harold Potter had kissed her, and she had liked it.

...:: ------::...

"Mate!" Sirius shouted down the long hallway leading to the Great Hall.

"What?" James said quite moodily.

"Mate, our girl problems are over." Sirius said excitedly.

"Why's that?" James asked, now interested.

"Because I've got Lily's diary."


	2. The Diary

"What?!" James screamed, making a huge echo.

"I said I have Lily's diary." Sirius said simply.

"How did you? When did you? What the?" James said in confusion.

"Okay when you were trying to wake up Evans I saw this notebook. I picked it up and it said L.E on the front. Thinking that it would probably help us in the long run, I opened it and started reading. It's got all her feelings on everything in there. This is a goldmine." James looked seriously overwhelmed.

"Oh, so that's what you were reading in there." Said Remus popping up out of nowhere.

"Hey, why didn't I notice this?" James said to the both of them.

"Well, considering the way Lily was dressed, I would think that you'd be pretty distracted." Said Remus thoughtfully.

"Ah, yes, Lily in her underwear. I will never forget that image." James said dreamily.

"Well good prongs, cause it's probably the only time you're gonna see it." Sirius said.

"Shut up Padfoot." Said James, moody again.

"You're only mad cause it's true!" Said Sirius now running as fast as he could, so not to be caught by James.

James had ended up catching Sirius, and throwing him in the lake. A very angry and fairly damp Sirius made James's hair pink, causing James to throw a curse at Sirius that mad him moo instead of talk. After another hour, Remus had them sorted out so that James's hair was only slightly streaked with a light salmon color, and Sirius only mooed when he laughed.

"Great guys, now we missed breakfast." Remus said, his stomach growling.

"Oh come on Moony, we'll go get some brunch from the kitchens." So they walked along down the corridor casually talking about the current leading quidditch team.

"They're unbeatable, I tell you." Sirius exclaimed.

"Whatever." James said, still upset about his streaked hair.

"Oh come on man, suck it up. What were we even fighting about, anyways?" Said Sirius.

"Is your attention span lowering or something? We were fighting about Lily in her underwear." Remus said logically.

"Oh yeah. Hey guys, wanna read the diary?" James said, excited again.

"Nah, let's read when we get back to the dorms." Sirius said as they approached the kitchen.

"Alright." James said, disappointed.

As they walked into the kitchens, a house-elf scurried up to them and squeaked, "Would you like something to eat sirs?"

"Yes please, Scuttle. Whatever you have left over from breakfast." Remus said politely to the small creature.

Fifteen minutes later, Scuttle came back carrying a huge tray of eggs, bacon, toast, hash browns, and pancakes.

"Thank you very much, Scuttle." Remus said as they walked to the doors, carrying the tray. As they walked back to the dorms they talked of what was in the diary.

"Mate, It's a goldmine on girls' feelings and how their twisted minds work. It's bloody awesome." Sirius said admiringly.

"Wow." James and Remus said in amazement.

Soon after that, they found themselves in the seventh year boys' dorms.

"How are we all going to read it at the same time?" Sirius asked quietly.

"I guess we'll take turns." Remus shrugged.

"Okay, but I wanna go first!" James shouted immaturely.

Sirius handed the notebook to James and he started reading.

_Dear diary, Mom got me this stupid thing cause she wanted me to 'express my feelings'. Yeah right. The only reason I'm actually writing in it is because I need someone to tell about my new school, Hogwarts. They teach magic there! Magic! I can't tell any of my friends or anything, cause if I do they'll think I'm weird, and won't hang out with me on holiday. And that would suck. Anywho, I can't believe I get to learn magic! Can you believe it? I'm a Witch! _

"You do realize we're exploiting the mind of an eleven-year-old girl, don't you?" Remus said, obviously having second thoughts.

"Aw, come on Moony. Lighten up!" James said carelessly.

"Yeah, why do you always have to suck the fun out of everything?" Sirius whined.

"Fine, fine. Padfoot, it's your turn."

"Yay!" Sirius shouted giddily.

_Dear diary, today was my first day at Hogwarts. It was amazing. So many things seemed like they came out of a dream._ _All of our teachers seemed fairly nice, but a lot of kids called me a 'mudblood' I really don't know what that means. I'm in Gryffindor house, the house of bravery, courage, and stuff. I met a lot of people too. I met a very nice girl named Alexis, a fairly cool girl named Amber, and a boy named James. James Potter to be exact. He was being very nice to me today. I don't know why. He seemed like a cocky jerk to everyone else. But he's a boy, so who knows. A boy named Severus Snape was being mean. He called me a 'mudblood' muggle-loving priss. James stood up for me and made slime hit him out of nowhere. It was awesome! I really like James, he seems sweet. He hangs out with a handsome boy named Sirius, (I think) a nice, funny boy named Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. I really don't know why Peter was there but he seemed out of place with the already popular three. Well now it's time for dinner. Bye._

"What the hell happened Prongs?" Sirius said confused.

"I…I don't know. I must've done something to piss her off." James said, just as confused

"No way." Remus said in mock surprise. "Anyways, I believe it is my turn."

Author's note: I've decided that I'm doing two diary entries a chapter. That way at least it evens out a little. Oh, and if you're wondering where the rat is, let me specify. Peter moved last year so he has continued his studies at Durmstrang. It's where he learned to be at least somewhat evil. Personally I just hate writing about the little slime ball. Well see you all soon! R&R or I'll set my mutant sea cows on you!


	3. The Fight

_Dear Diary, It's been a couple of days since I wrote in you. I was too occupied thinking about Potter. I hate him. Do you know what he did? Somehow, he got into the girls' dorms and set off an old muggle trap where you string yarn all around the room, and random things fall, hit you, or harm you in some way. It was mostly water balloons. They hit all of us! Me, Alexis, and Amber were screaming at him for it! Do you know why he did it? Because I refused his offer for a date, can you believe it? I'm eleven! I mean sure I have a crush on him! Sure I think he's sweet! Sure he's cute! Sure he's… I'm not doing a very good job defending myself, am I? Oh well! I am not going out with James Potter, or any boy for that matter, right now! I was being very polite too. I simply said, 'I'm sorry but no. Maybe some other time?' Is that cruel? Is it? He's a madman! I hate him! Well I have to go rant somewhere else. Bye. _

"Wow." Sirius said, shocked.

"So that's what I did to piss her off. Whoa. Just think, if I hadn't done thatI'd probably be in the common room snogging her brains out right now."

"Images!" Remus shouted, disgusted.

"Whatever man. I got to go take a shower. Later." James said, still shell-shocked.

"Poor guy. Now that he knows what he did he's gonna try to undo it." Sirius sighed.

"When will he learn that some mistakes can't be undone?" Remus said, lying down.

"Never. He wants her so bad. You saw his face. Like he was on a mission. I think he's going to go to some pretty extreme measures." Sirius said, sighing again.

"I highly doubt he's in the shower, should we go find him?" Remus said, getting up.

"Nah let him try at least."

...:: ------::...

As it turns out, James was not in the shower. He was pacing around the common room, thinking.

"Oh! What if I…no. But it would…get me in trouble. How was I so stupid? How could I make such a big mistake? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" James chanted, hitting his head against the mantel over and over.

He noticed the blood and quickly vanished it, healing his head.

"Grrrrr. Now I've got a headache too. I'm such an idiot." James mumbled to himself.

"Finally he's starting to realize it." Someone scoffed from the other side of the room. James looked over and saw Lily, writing in a notebook, looking bored.

"Hi Lily." James said quietly, nodding.

"Potter." Lily returned the gesture.

"Why do you hate me?" James suddenly asked.

"What?" Lily said, highly confused. Who said she hated him, she might even like him.

"Well, I mean, you act like you hate me and you talk like you hate me, so I suspected that you hated me but…wait. You don't hate me?" James said, also confused.

"Well…I don't know. I suppose I don't." Even Lily was surprised to hear herself say that.

"You…you don't?" James was just as surprised.

"Well I mean…No." Lily finished quietly.

"Then why do you act like it?" James replied.

"I guess because if I make myself believe that I do, I'll stop thinking I don't." Lily said, her true feelings coming out.

"You like me? But how? You've always hated me and now…this." James was overwhelmed as he sat down.

"I guess I do like you. I don't know how." Lily mumbled.

"If you really like me then you'd like this too." James said softly as he gently kissed her.

"I… I can't like you! I just can't! Not after all of what you've done to me! I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Lily ran crying up to her dorm.

"No! Why?" James also started crying. "Not again. I was so close. No." James walked back to the stairs and softly sobbed as he took step after step.

Before he walked into the dorms, he stopped. Was that his name?

"…And you can't really blame him, I mean wouldn't you go after her too?" James heard Sirius say.

"Yes but some mistakes can't be fixed. Doesn't he know that? I think he should just give up. He's been trying for seven years and still isn't any closer than he was six years ago!" Remus shouted angrily.

So they were talking about him, eh? Well he didn't care. Not any more. He huffed in, surprising Remus and Sirius.

"Hey Prongs. How'd it go?" Sirius asked as if nothing was wrong.

"How do you think it went?" James spat at him.

"Uh, bad?" Sirius guessed. "You imbecile." Remus said from his bed.

"Hey, I know what will cheer everyone up!" Sirius shouted.

"What?" James hissed from the other side of the room.

"A diary entry!" Sirius said in a singsong voice.

"Good well that's settled, I'll read!" Sirius replied to himself before the others got a chance to speak.

_Dear Diary, I can't believe I like James! I mean Potter. He's just so nasty, but something keeps drawing me to him. I can't explain it. It's crazy! His personality around me is so sweet and innocent, but then when it's everyone with him he acts like a total jerk! What is his problem? I mean deep down I know that when he hexes Snape it's to be protective of me, but just the way he does these things is so inconsiderate that it totally erases the good deed underneath. I'm confused. Amber, our local boy expert, has given me advice. Unfortunately, unlike every other advice she gives, this little piece was no good. She told me to make a move! Make a move? How could she say that? I mean almost the whole Hogwarts girl population (including 7th years) like him! It's insane! I have to go to dinner now and Amber says that if I don't shut this book right now she'll turn it into a chicken. (She's nuts!)_

Remus gave a weak chuckle and said, "Yes I've always got that impression too." As a fleeting stab at humor.

James sighed. "I have got to change. That confirms it. I can't do this stuff anymore. Snape, cruelty, playing girls, even pranking.

Sirius gasped from his spot and jumped up, tackled James and shouted, "WHAT?"

"You heard me. I can't. I just can't. It'll ruin any chance I might have EVER had." James yelled.

"But…but pranks?" Sirius said, confused.

"YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED DOWN THERE! YOU DIDN'T SEE HER! AND IF YOU THINK SOME STUPID PRANK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LILY, THEN GO TO HELL SIRIUS! I WOULD DIE FOR HER! I LOVE HER! THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD GIVE HER UP FOR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS THIS!" James screamed even louder.

"Well you know he does have a point Padfoot." Remus said, shocked from James' behavior.

"DON'T TALK TO HIM, MOONY! I HEARD YOU! 'HE SHOULD JUST GIVE UP', HUH? IF THAT'S WHAT YOU REALLY THINK THEN WHY ARE YOU MY FRIEND? YOU OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT HER!" At this, James walked out of the room, only looking back once and giving a stare that could kill.

Author's note: Well now we know where Harry gets it, eh? Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it! Sirius is such an ass. R&R or I'll set my mutant sea cows on you! Lol. Botha!!!


	4. French

Author's notes: In case any of you are confused, this takes place in seventh year, but Lily started the diary in first year so they started from the beginning. Also, sorry if I made James seem like a girlyman or whatever with the crying. I just love to write about it, the yelling scene was also very fun to write. This time I'm starting with Lily. This is what has been happening to her while all the other crap was happening to James and them.

Lily ran as fast as she could up the stairs. She had just revealed all her feelings to Potter! No, James. No, Potter! James! Potter! JAMES! POTTER! She continued to argue with herself until she found herself in the dorms. "…I really think it would look better like this!" Said Amber, fussing with Alexis's hair. "Well I really think you should let go of my hair!" Alexis snapped at her sister. "Lils will you please tell her that she looks beautiful like this!" Amber shouted at the door, glaring at Alexis. (AN: I just realized that I've never described them before, so I'll do that now! Btw, they are sisters cause I said!)

Alexis had waist length red-blonde hair that was a shade lighter than Lily's. Her hair perfectly framed her dark brown eyes and button nose. She knew that Remus had a crush on her since they were twelve, and she secretly liked him back. She could also get quite temperamental (I think it comes with the red hair.) and violent. No, not really violent, but lets just say that you wouldn't want to be near her when she gets mad. Alexis got all Os on her O.W.L's and the whole school knew that she was the smartest student in Hogwarts. She was fluent in seven languages, French, German, Spanish, Italian, Polish, Bulgarian, and Japanese. Her nickname is Alex.

Amber was much different. She had a sporty bob cut of light blonde hair. Her eyes were a dark shade of brown and her nose looked similar to Alexis's except hers was slightly turned up. She came off to anyone as snobby, but once you got to know her you realize it's just her personality. Amber looked to Lily, a high-school cheerleader. Just add some pom-poms and a mini and you're there. Lily once told her this, and Amber said, "What's a cheerleader?" Seeing as Amber went to a muggle school before Hogwarts, this should tell you something. Amber was the very meaning of a dumb blonde. Alexis often got annoyed by this and muttered, "Who is my real sister?" On With The Story!

"Lils, will you please tell her she looks beautiful like-Lily what's wrong?" Amber asked worriedly, now noticing that Lily was crying. "James…I…Kiss…Can't…Like…" Lily managed to sputter out in between sobs. Amber immediately jerked her head up. "Kiss? There was a kiss?" Amber asked eagerly. "Yes you arse. Now, Lily, what's wrong?" Alexis went over to Lily and hugged her. Lily explained slowly and carefully, trying not to leave out anything. "You actually said this?" Said Alexis, apparently annoyed. "Yes, it was the truth." Replied Lily, confused. "You actually said this? Oh my god!" At this point she paced the room, shouting in French. "Sacrableu familiar! Bete fille! Je ne sais pas perqui tu faire tel truc! Sacre!" (AN: I got that off an English to French dictionary, sorry if it is incorrect.). She stopped pacing and looked Lily in the eye. "You need to sort out your emotions." Alexis looked dead serious as she walked out of the room quietly. "What is wrong with her?" asked Amber, as she too went down into the common room. Lily flopped onto her bed and started crying again. It was going to be a long night.


	5. Many Happenings

Amber had been chasing Alexis around the school for half an hour. She found her in an unused classroom, making parchments and inkbottles explode and quickly undoing the spell. She occasionally mumbled things like, "…so obvious…stupid…can't believe it…" After five minutes of standing in the doorway, Amber picked up her courage and went over to her fuming sister. "What the hell is your problem?!" Amber asked loudly. "You want to know what my problem is? My problem? My god, you're all such idiots!" Alexis snarled warningly. Amber was now quite afraid, and was quickly yet quietly backing away. "My problem is that Lily fucking loves James Potter and doesn't even realize it! That's what my problem is!" She angrily chucked an inkbottle at the wall, letting the black liquid seep down. "It's so obvious! I can't believe this. She is head over heels, and she doesn't know yet! I have half a mind to go beat the shit out of her! I mean from what Sirius tells me-" Alexis would have continued her rant, but Amber cut her off. "Since when do you listen to Sirius Black?" she asked curiously. "Well…I mean, since…I … leave it be!! The point is that she loves him and he loves her and they're not in love together!" Alexis looked livid, Amber looked sad. "I know." She said softly.

Sirius and Remus were in total shock. James had left hours ago, but they were still on their beds, not speaking a word and not moving an inch. They knew that James had meant what he said, otherwise he would not have said it. Finally Sirius broke the silence. "When do you think he'll start talking to us again?" he asked quietly. "Hopefully sometime soon." Remus replied glumly. "Well I can't live in here. I'm going down to the kitchens. You coming Moony?" Both friends winced. Hearing their nicknames just reminded them that James wasn't there. "Yeah, yeah I suppose so." They got up and slowly made their way down to the kitchens.

Lily was arguing with herself again. Shouldn't I feel guilty?_ No, he's an ass. _So? He's a hot ass.Okay, that sounded wrong._ Yes, it did. _Anyways, why shouldn't I feel guilty? _Because he's a jerk and that's not your fault. _But he said he loved me._ And? No guy really means it. _Why not? What proves it?_ He does. Every time he goes out with a girl, it lasts for two weeks_. Maybe he's changed?_ No, he hasn't. _But he hasn't played one girl._ That means nothing. _It has to mean something._ But it doesn't! He just wants you to fall for him so he can dump you and say that he got you! _Her better half said to ignore him and not care. Unfortunately, her worse half was the half with a heart.

"I, Amber officially call a meeting between the Marauders and the girls! Or at least half of them." The last part was said slightly softer than the first part. Amber was on top of the desk in the middle of the old classroom. "Why?" asked Sirius from the corner. Alexis and Amber had been wandering throughout the castle when they found Sirius and Remus. As soon as they saw the boys, they grabbed them and ran. "Because you boob, we have a major problem." Amber said simply. "What's that?" Remus said, next to Sirius and just as oblivious. "JAMES AND LILY LOVE EACH OTHER AND AREN'T TOGETHER. HELL, THEY PROBABLY WON'T GET TOGETHER IN ANY NORMAL UNIVERSE! WE'RE TRYING TO FIX THIS!!" Alexis suddenly shouted from the doorway. "What?" she asked when she noticed the stares. "Nothing." Amber sighed. "Well that cleared things up." Sirius said, a look of recognition crossing his face. "Good. Now how are we going to set them up?" Amber asked, sitting down at a desk. "I have an idea!!" Remus shouted suddenly. "What?" the two sisters said in unison. "Well you see…"

James was fuming. He was running around the black lake. His legs were throbbing and his back ached, but he ran on. His friends didn't understand. They couldn't understand. They never wanted something this bad. Never. He had wanted her since the day he set eyes on her. Lily Evans, goddess in his mind. He remembered the first day he saw her at the train station. (AN: flashback time!)

James was walking down the passageway to platform nine-and-three-quarters. A little girl with bright green eyes, long red hair, and a brilliant smile walked past him. She seemed worried. He caught up with her. James heard her mumble something about a made up platform and he knew exactly where she was trying to go. "So you're a witch, eh?" He remembered the look of disbelief on Lily's face when he said it. "Y-yes. How did you know?" Now she was persistent. "He's a wizard, durr." Said Sirius, now coming from behind, obviously hearing the conversation. "Well, yes, I got that part. How do you get to platform nine and three-" But she was cut off by James. "This way." He said simply. Just then a party of about nine came from behind and would have taken Lily with them, but she grabbed onto James's arm. "Weasleys, they always have a huge party." Sirius said, once again, from behind. But James was at a loss for words. His arm still felt like jelly where Lily had touched it.

It was that day he knew how he felt for her. By this time he was half asleep under an old sycamore tree. His arm felt warm where he knew Lily had touched it. He could almost feel the pressure. He looked down and saw that, indeed, there was a hand there, two in fact. "Mate, before you curse the living daylight out of me, I have something to say. We didn't mean a word of what we may or may not have said. We were angry because you were angry. I swear. Ask Moony if you don't believe me." Remus's voice was very quiet and James strained to hear it. "He's right. Wow, that's a first. Anyways, we just wanted to tell you that. We hope you'll forgive us. Wanna go inside?" James managed to get out one word: "Sorry."


	6. Always

A couple had months had gone by. Now no longer were the leaves slowly falling from branches, snow was dropping from the roof of the massive castle. The common room was warm and toasty with the bright orange fire crackling merrily from the corner. James and Remus were doubled over laughing about something stupid Sirius had said. At least, this was how Lily saw it. She was sitting unnoticed in the corner on the couch. Whenever one of them looked her way, they gave her a cold look. As if they were personally blaming her for what happened to James. _It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. _Went through her head whenever she got one of these looks. "So guys, are you staying for Christmas?" Remus asked lazily. "Not in a million years. This place is so boring when no one else is around." James said, lying upside down on the fluffy armchair. "What about you Padfoot?" He asked dizzily, sitting up and letting the blood come back through his body. "Nope. My great uncle Alfred invited me to the Caribbean's for break. He's the only sane member of my family. Moony?" Sirius said, eating chocolate cauldrons. "Maybe. My parents may or may not want me around." Remus said softly. At this, Lily felt tears well up in her eyes. She knew why his parents felt that way. _Poor Remus, all alone with only his friends to comfort him. _Remus heard her sniffle and turned. "I don't need pity from _you_. I have enough already thank you." He said quite snottily. Lily had lately become a mute. Since Amber and Alexis were already home due to family emergencies and all of the other girls in her dorm were a year younger than her, there was no one to talk to. She wasn't about to break that streak. Lily felt the tears roll down her cheeks. _I don't want him to see me like this. They can't see me. _She felt her body leap up and run to her dorm, not really realizing what she was doing. Her senses were switched off but her legs kept moving. She didn't hear James telling her to watch out. She didn't feel the smooth stone stairs' jagged edge cut her foot as she flew up them. And unfortunately, she didn't see the sixth year coming down, eyes closed.

The next thing Lily remembered was waking up in a hospital bed. Her whole body seemed to throb in pain. Her legs were the worst. It felt like they were being cut off. "Happened..?" She managed to mumble. "You fell." A comforting voice came from her left. "Seems…like…more…happened…" she spluttered. "Your foot got cut on a stone edge, your leg's broken in three places, and your wrist is sprained. And your skull cracked, but Pomfrey was able to heal that in a jiffy. She will the broken bones too, but you have to stay in for recovery." A rather cold voice said from her right. But there was some warmth, deep down. "What happened, seriously?" Her eyes were still closed, half asleep, but her senses were fully alert now. "Lily, open your eyes." Said the comforting voice. She did, and looked down. There was a healing potion and her nightstand, and for a good reason. Her legs were completely bandaged up to stop the bleeding. Not only this, but she had an arm cast, the muggle kind. She felt her head and immediately the throbbing got worse. _Cracked skull, broken leg, sprained wrist. _The reality of it all was hitting her headfirst. Literally. She looked around and saw Sirius and James, no Remus. James was the more comforting voice, Sirius the cold one. The fact that Remus wasn't there surprised her. _And he's supposed to be the responsible one. _Sirius noticed her questioning gaze and said, "Remus? Look over." She did and saw it to be completely empty except for one bed in the corner. Remus's bed. _But that would mean…_ "I've been here a while haven't I?" She asked Sirius. "Yes, three nights. Pomfrey said she wanted to wait until the swelling wore down. Now you're still in here for two more nights, but at least you're awake." Lily noticed that his voice softened. "Can someone explain to me what exactly happened?" She asked anxiously. "Well…Remus had just told you off. You were crying. I…I told you to watch out, but you didn't hear me. Your foot…your foot got caught on the first or second step. You…didn't seem to notice. You kept running, like there was something you didn't want us to see. A sixth year came out of the dorms as soon as you got to the door. You tripped and rolled down the steps headfirst. Your leg was trailing as you rolled and ended up hitting the wall, hard. Your hand came out trying to stop yourself, but it ended up hitting the rail. It…it was horrible…" James was crying against his will. Lily could tell he didn't want her to see him, but she did. "Hey, don't want to leave you guys, but it's dinner time, so…I'm gonna go." Sirius said, quite awkwardly. Lily laughed. "You can't help yourself, can you?" she said. Sirius grinned. "No."

After he left, Lily and James sat in silence. James's occasional sobs broke the awkward quiet. "You're wondering why I ran, aren't you?" Lily finally asked. "Well…yes." He said, his voice breaking again. "The same reason you hid your tears. I didn't want you to see me weak. I knew it would affect how you saw me overall. I had been completely silent for over a week. Not a sound. Not even in class. I had so many emotions building inside me that even the slightest shove could set me off. You're just lucky that the tears surfaced first, not the anger. When I was going up those steps, it felt like my personality had left my body. I just wanted to get out. I can't remember what happened. I couldn't think because I was so focused on one thing." Lily's leg throbbed in pain as she tried to sit up. "Single mindedness to the point of recklessness." He mumbled. "What was that?" Lily asked curiously. "Single mindedness to the point of recklessness. It's sort of a…problem with your attention span. I do it sometimes too. It's when you are so focused on one thing, your mind shuts off to get the thing. You do anything you can, sometimes not noticing what you're doing." James announced, trying to look smart. "Oh, I see." Lily said awkwardly. They sat there for a while. Just in silence. Finally James asked, "What happened?" "I wasn't sure if I really…liked you. I just wanted it to stay like it was. To tell you the truth James, I'm a bit afraid of change. I didn't want my life to be turned around, so I forced myself not to enjoy it. It was selfish and cruel, and I know I hurt you." She looked down so she didn't see his face. "Yes you did. A lot, actually. You hurt my friends and me. You actually trampled down my world for a while there. I'm not sure if I can trust you Lily. But remember this: I will always love you."

AN: I've been so caught up with Serenity, I comepletely forgot about this chapter. Sorry guys! Well it's pretty long and I like it. Hope you do too. R&R!!


	7. Crying

Lily was still shocked. She, not only told James how she felt, but had been rejected. The one guy that had been chasing her since the first day of Hogwarts had rejected her. It felt like her heart was in her stomach. She was empty and out of emotion. But as horrible as it seemed, he had said he loved her. It was all so confusing. Amber and Alexis had written back exactly 18 minutes after she sent her owl saying what happened. Their reply read:

_He said he loved you? That has to be a good thing, right? **Personally, I'm just happy that you finally realized that you loved him. It was getting sort of obvious for the rest of us. Even Amber figured it out. **Hey! **I'm not saying you're stupid…right now… **You little…! **Amber just attempted to stun me, but her wand was pointed at herself. You have no idea how shocked I was when they told me she was ACTUALLY my sister. Stupid DNA tests…probably wrong anyway…**_

_**Amber and Alex**_

Lily read this, laughing at some parts. But what was this about them knowing she liked him? She hadn't known herself until last night. This was strange. She suddenly noticed a small note that had also been delivered. It stated:

_Stay away from James Potter you filthy mudblood. He's too good for you. If you choose to follow these straightforward directions, you will never hear from me again, but if not…you don't want to know what can happen._

She read with a shocked look on her face. It wasn't signed. This didn't sound like one of James's typical fangirls. This person was serious. It scared her to be threatened, but she didn't let the thought linger, there were too many other things to focus on. She often sat alone in the common room, her heart threatening to burst whenever she saw any one of the Marauders. Finally one day she cracked. It was two days before break, where she would be staying at Hogwarts. It was about one in the morning. She couldn't sleep. She had walked sleepily down the steps, taking extreme caution. Even though Pomfrey had cured her, she still had fear of toppling down the cold stone stairs again. The only person there was a boy on the couch. She took no notice of him though. She climbed onto the same couch the boy was sitting on and began to read. Suddenly the boy took notice of her. It was Sirius Black.

"Evans?" he asked, wondering what on earth Lily Evans was doing in the common room at one in the morning. Lily looked over, seeing him for the first time and burst into tears. "Uh…okay…would you mind telling me why you're sobbing all over me Lily?" he asked, actually using her name. This made Lily cry harder. "Damn. Lily you know I'm not good with crying girls. I hardly even comfort my own girlfriends, let alone James's-I mean…" He quickly changed the subject noticing her reaction to the word James. "Girlfriend? He'll hardly even talk to me!" she managed to sputter. A dawning look of comprehension came onto Sirius's face. "Oh so you mean…ohhhhhh, okay. Now I got it. Lily, I'll be right back." Sirius said, rushing off to the boys' dorms. Lily sobbed into a couch cushion while he was gone. When she heard arguing voices coming down the stairs, she feared that he had woken James up and brought him. She uncovered her eyes and saw Remus looking rather disheveled, as an anxious Sirius waked him up. "Oh-err-right then. Why exactly am I here?" He turned to Sirius and gave him a questioning stare. "Well Lily sort of exploded and I needed help calming her down." He said looking distressed. "I did not explode!" She said angrily, but her appearance didn't help her argument. She looked like something the cat dragged in. In a matter of minutes her combed hair had turned into a rat's nest, and her eyes were already puffy. Her nose was also running and her nightshirt was soaked with tears. Remus gave a disbelieving look and turned to Lily. "What's wrong?" He asked comfortingly. Sirius looked quite pleased with himself as he snuck off to the stairs. "Oh no, Padfoot. You dragged me down here, you're staying." Remus commanded. Sirius's face fell as he shuffled back to the couch. "Well…I've just been really upset after the hospital wing. Surely he told you?" She asked sniffling. "Yes and we screamed at him for it." Sirius mumbled.

"He meant what he said you know. He does truly love you. He has for six years. But after what happened at the beginning of the term, he doesn't trust you. He was upset for months about that. So were we. Sorry, by the way, about the stairs and giving you the looks." Remus said looking embarrassed. "It's okay. I know how you felt. I wouldn't be surprised if you got some very nasty looks from Alex when the holidays are over." Lily said quietly. Remus looked crestfallen at Alexis being mad, but then his disappointment turned into fear. "Oh god, she's not going to kill me is she?" he asked worriedly. Lily laughed. "No she has her reasons for not doing exactly that, but she's talked about it at times. Don't worry, there's hope." Lily said happily. Remus grinned and blushed. "Guys… I really do like James. Really, I swear. I'm not trying to break his heart. Although I think I already did that. I'm so sorry. For causing you all of this grief, and for hurting him." And at this, Lily looked much more pleasant, although silent tears ran down her cheeks. She pulled them both into a huge hug, and they hugged back. Remus and Sirius were happy they finally could help Lily and felt very good about it. And none of them realized how close this brought them.

AN: Yay! It's done! I'm going to work on the next chapter right now, I solemnly swear. (I am up to no good...)


	8. Lioness

The break was finally there. All of their teachers decided that they had enough to do over the holidays, and only gave a small mound of homework instead of the usual mountains. Remus had decided to stay at school with Lily while Sirius and James left for home. "Oh my god! Thank you Remus! You didn't need to though. I'm sure your family will miss you." She said gratefully. "Nah. They owled me saying that there were enough things going on without me being around…" He mumbled embarrassed. "Well thanks. That was really sweet. No wonder Alex likes-someone…other…than…you…" Lily stuttered, realizing her slip. Remus on the other hand looked utterly delighted. "Alexis…me…likes…YAY!!!" Remus shouted, scaring several passerbies. Lily laughed. "Nothing cuter than a hyper werewolf." She giggled. Remus blushed at his squeal. "Oh. My. God." He said, suddenly worried. "What?" Lily asked. "I just realized…there's a full moon next week." He said nervously. "Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. What the HELL are we going to do?" Lily almost screamed. "I…I don't know. Obviously James and Sirius would have helped me…but they're gone." Remus mumbled sadly. "We are so royally screwed right now. Unless…but…no, I have to." Lily seemed to be muttering to herself before she looked Remus straight in the eyes. "In your transformation, have you ever seen a…a lioness?" She asked anxiously. "Maybe. I'm not really sure. Most of the time I don't remember some stuff. But you can't possibly be…?" He opened his mouth in shock at her next words.

"But…I am. Remus, once I figured out what they did I insisted to become one myself. You know, to make sure they didn't kill you." Lily said. But Remus could tell it was because she didn't want them to get hurt. "Most of the time I just lurked in the shadows of the forest, but sometimes I came out to help if they disappeared. It was hard not to tell anyone, but you're the first to know. I know I can trust you, Remus." Remus had an expression of mixed horror and joy. "You mean not even Alexis and Amber don't even know?" He asked franticly. "No. I wanted to wait for someone that I knew would _never _betray me. I was debating between you and James a few weeks ago, but…" she said softly. Remus looked flattered. "Wow. Thanks. That's really touching. But we hardly even knew each other besides what small conversation we had during prefect duties. Why would you trust me so much?" He asked. "Well I could tell you were a good friend and I knew that James told you everything so…" Once again, Lily didn't finish her sentence. Remus pulled her into a hug and they sat like that for a while. "Thank you so much Lily. I appreciate it more than you can imagine." Remus whispered. "You're welcome Remus. I'll always be here if you need my help." She whispered back before she got up to go to the dorms.

**Meanwhile**

James arrived home in about two hours. His parents beamed at him when they got out of their rented car to get him. The first thing he did when he got home was write three letters: one to Remus, one to Sirius, and one to Lily. He quickly scrawled a letter for Remus asking what he wanted for Christmas and if he went home or not. The letter addressed to Sirius asked the exact same things and if he enjoyed the Caribbean's. The one to Lily took some thought, though. After about an hour of nothing, he finally wrote something down. He sent them off with his gray eagle owl. Just then his father walked in. "What are you doing cooped up in your room?" he asked curiously. "Writing a letter to Lily." James replied, forcing back down the tears. When his dad gave him an odd look he explained everything. "Oh. Now I understand." He said after his story was over. They sat in silence for a few minutes until he asked, "You really love her, don't you?" "That's the whole point. I don't know what love is. Maybe I do." James looked worn out from hearing everything again. "Does your heart beat faster every time you go near her? Is her face the only thing in your daydreams? Do you often mutter her name in your sleep? Have you gone to desperate measures to get her affection? That's love."

AN: Hey everybody! Two chapters in one night, w00t. Well enjoy!


	9. Merry Christmas

Lily and Remus had become close friends. Over the past three days they had spent time with no one but each other, and soon enough it was Christmas morning. Lily rushed into the lonely boys' dorms and woke Remus up excitedly. "Presents! Presents! Remus, wake up, PRESENTS!!!!!!!" She screamed like a kid on Christmas morning. Remus's eyes flung open and he awoke to find a bouncy and peppy Lily above him. "What are you doing in here?" He asked groggily, getting back under the covers. "Amber and Alex aren't around, so I'm bugging you!!!" She stated excitedly. "Great." Remus mumbled from under his pillow. "Now get up you lazy werewolf and help me open presents!" She shouted bouncing on a nearby bed. "Oh dear god…this is going to be a long day." Remus said, getting up out of bed and picking up a t-shirt. Lily ran off to get her presents and hurried back with eleven large boxes. Remus picked up his small load and brought them over to his bed. Lily unwrapped present after present as Remus slowly unwrapped a few boxes. Lily made a list of every present she got. Her list read:

_Hogwarts, A History, Extended Edition – Alexis_

_Brand new Journal (to replace my last) – Amber_

_An old tennis shoe- Petunia_

_A box of Honeydukes greatest candy- Sirius _

_A never-ending quill- Remus_

_Jumbo Chocolate Frog- Frank Longbottom_

_A miniature Christmas tree (with working lights!)- Alice Longbottom _

_A hand-knitted sock- Bobble (the house-elf)_

_A snow globe of Hogwarts (with snow automatically falling)- Mum and Dad_

_The Wizarding World's most Curious Charms- Misty (the Ravenclaw)_

Lily was quite surprised to get a present from Misty, her best friend in first year. She thought all of her presents were unwrapped when she noticed a small blue box at the end of the bed, forgotten. She quickly opened it and gasped. It was a beautiful ceramic orange lily hung on a gold chain. Lily scanned the inside of her box for a note, but there wasn't one. Just then a handsome dark brown owl zoomed through the room and landed on Remus's bed. "That's James's owl. It's either for me or you." Remus said from the corner of the room. "I'll get it." Lily mumbled, abandoning the necklace for a moment. There were two letters on the owl's leg, one addressed to Remus, and one addressed to Lily. Remus tore his open, reading the tiny scrawl.

_Dear Moony, _

_How are your holidays? Mine are going okay, I guess. I'm thinking about Lily a lot more than usual lately. Probably because it's only me and my parents and no Sirius. Hey did you go home or not? Cause if you did then ask if you can come over for the last week of break. If not, hug Lily a Merry Christmas for me. Well I'm off._

_-Prongs _

Remus smiled as he wrote back a reply. Lily, however, opened her letter cautiously and slowly. When it was finally out of the envelope, she read:

_Dearest Lily, _

_I hope you've had a very merry Christmas and received my gift. Did you like it? Sirius said that you've been a bit sad lately. I hope it has nothing to do with me. If it does, you don't know how sorry I am. I sincerely hope you get happier and wish you a good day. _

_With love,_

_James_

She grinned weakly as tears fell down her face. Remus looked over, saw her crying, and came to comfort her. He read the letter over her shoulder and searched the room for his gift. Remus knew immediately which one was James's. He smiled. "I…Remus, I think I love him." Lily said quietly, her smile still there. Remus's smile grew even wider as she said this. "I know."

Meanwhile 

James sat in his room, thinking about what his father had said. Just then his owl returned with a letter. It was from Remus. His face fell for a moment before he opened it.

_Dear Prongs,_

_I'm doing alright. I'm not surprised you're thinking about Lily so much, after all, you're usually so preoccupied. I stayed at Hogwarts. Things are actually pretty fun around here. I hugged Lily for you. In fact, she's opening your letter. Nice gift, by the way. How'd you get the money for that? We've become closer friends over the break, Lily and I. I see why you like her so much. She sends her regards. Thanks for the sweets. Bye!_

_Merry Christmas,_

_Moony_

James couldn't help being a bit jealous over his friend. He was stuck here, lying on his bed, while Remus was playing chess with Lily in the common room. _It's not fair. _I'm_ the one who likes her. _I'm_ the one who's always liked her. _Okay, a lot jealous. James slapped himself. _It's Remus we're talking about here! He's never liked Lily, and never will. _He smiled smugly and went to go wander the house.

Lily's mood had become more pleasant since the morning. At the moment she was writing thank-you notes to all of her friends.

_Dear Amber and Alexis, _

_Thank you for the wonderful gifts! I simply adore the new book, Alex, and ever since my old one went missing, I've been looking for a new journal. Hope to see you back soon!_

_Lily_

_Dear Mum and Dad, _

_How did you get a snow globe of Hogwarts? But no matter, it's lovely! It's by my bed right now. I hope you've had a nice Christmas!_

_Lily_

_Sirius, _

_I really did not expect a present, so thank you for the surprise. You got all of my favorites! I'll be sure to enjoy them. Merry Christmas!_

_Lily_

_Dear Misty, _

_Wow we haven't been in touch for a while. Thanks for the book, charms is still my favorite subject! Since you so graciously sent me a present, I'll send one with this letter. Enjoy! _

_Lily_

_Dear Frank and Alice, _

_Thanks you guys! (_AN: I'm not sure if Frank and Alice are the same age as James and Lily, so I'll have them already married and out of school) _I loved your gifts! I hope you two are living happily! Merry Christmas, _

_Lily _

_Bobble, _

_Wow, thank you so much! I greatly appreciate all of your hard work and hope it continues!_

_Lily_

By now her hand was tired and she went off to get her owl.

"Mate? You there?" James said into his mirror. "Yeah, I'm here. What's up?" Sirius asked. "Well…I keep thinking about Lily. And I'm bored out of my mind." James replied grumpily. "My uncle turns out to be barking mad. The only upside is that he thinks I'm the minister of magic and promised me money." Sirius said. Both of them sighed deeply. "So I'm coming over in a week?" Sirius asked. "Yeah sounds good."

The end of break was near. Remus and Lily rushed to do the homework they had been assigned. "So when you add essence of sugar plumbs and the tail of an anteater you get a lilac colored potion?" Lily asked frantically. "That's right. And the countercurse for nightmares is _Quiescoputeus_?" Remus asked jotting down something on parchment. "Yes." Lily replied. Just then the portrait hole was opened. Amber and Alexis came through looking pleased. "Lily!" Amber shouted as she ran to hug her. "Hey guys! What are you doing here?" Lily asked curiously. "Well we missed you so we came back a bit early." Alexis said happily. In response to this, Lily squealed loudly. "God Lily, why must you do that so often?" Remus mumbled. "Oh hey Remus!" Alexis said hurriedly. "Hi Remus." Amber muttered before running off to the dorms. "Well since you're here, Alexis, could you help me with my transfiguration?" Lily asked finally, sparing Alexis an awkward silence with Remus. "Yeah okay." Alexis replied happily, bouncing back over to Lily.

Since Sirius had appeared at the Potter Mansion, things were a lot happier. Sirius and James played quidditch several times in the next few days, and when the end of break finally came, they were thoroughly disappointed. When James went in search for his school robes, he found something lying at the bottom of his trunk. He got it out and discovered it to be a notebook with the letters 'L.E' written on the front. He was clueless for a moment until the thought finally struck him. _It was Lily's diary. _He scowled. This stupid diary was what had brought him this pain. He got up and went in search for a burning fire to put it in.

AN: Pretty long chapter. A lot happened for sure. I hope you liked it enough to be inspired to R&R!! Oh, and big hugs to Hedwig199, IamMEagain, palomapotter, and fanglessphysco. You guys rock!


End file.
